I’m in a tricky business. I talk to people all the time who want to change their lives (it seems), and who want to break out bigger, and experience more sexually, because they KNOW there is more–and they just don’t know how.
So they reach out to me, or someone else who works with people around their sexuality, and they ask for help. And then you know what happens?
Their scared little one comes out to play. And she is terrified! She is in that place of wanting something she’s never had but she’s scared she will never have it. So she does what she knows, and she sabotages.
She’s clever with her sabotage. She will often tell you, “You will never have that. You’ve never had it before now, so how do you think you are going to make that happen for yourself?” Oh yes, she puts the doubt in there and makes you nervous–you start to believe her and think she’s right! After all, there is no proof you can have more so why would you actually think you could?
She also likes to play victim. You know this part of you. The part that thinks you’re broken and unfixable. The part that thinks you just got a raw deal and can’t have what everyone else seems to have. The part that is “done to” and doesn’t get to do what she really wants from a sexually empowered place. Underneath that, you think there is something special about you that keeps you from being “helpable”.
You’re not special. Not like that. You are only the victim if you decide you are. The irony for people who go to their victim place, is that victim place actually keeps them being a victim instead of helping them to become empowered–which is what they really do want. If you want to be empowered, you have to do something empowering for yourself. You can’t do the same thing you’ve always done. That only keeps you playing the victim. Do you want to identify with your victimhood or do you want to identify with the empowerment you seek?
And when you get into your victim you know what else happens? You get disappointed before there is anything to be disappointed about. You tell yourself you can’t, it won’t, it’ll never…and bam! You are right into your deep disappointment of the life you can’t have and the loss you already feel deep down before anything can even happen.
It’s a serious mind trip.
So I want to encourage you to look at your little one and how he or she shows up when you want to grow, expand and have more. What does your little one do when you have those moments of connecting to your true desire? When you actually do step into a sexual situation that could be what you really want?
How do you cope with these feelings?
Do you run away?
Do you get mad at the person who is trying to give you what you want?
Do you pick a fight?
Do you find something to be disappointed about?
Do you start thinking about the past and how betrayed or hurt you were?
Do you disassociate and leave the room?
This is a really important pattern to notice in yourself, because it’s keeping you stuck, it’s keeping you the victim, and it’s keeping you from doing something totally new so you can really have what you desire deep down.
It’s okay to desire what you desire, BTW. Stop telling yourself it’s wrong or that you shouldn’t for whatever reason. You get to have desire and you get to desire BIG. That’s the only way you’ll have the big, deep sexual experiences you really want to have! Write yourself a big permission slip to want the things that you want!
You’ve got to take care of the scared little one without letting her drive the car. Otherwise, you’ll always be the scared little one and you’ll never ever know what could have been possible had you gotten out of your own way, grabbed the keys, and found your way to your “Yes.”
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