So…You Have Sex So that They’ll Like You?

by | Jan 19, 2022 | Sexual Empowerment

Ever feel like you are doing things for all the wrong reasons? Ever think, “Wow, maybe that pattern won’t actually get me the things I want for my life in the long run,”? Most people don’t. Yet most people are arranging their sexual life based on all the wrong things….the things that will keep them unfulfilled and disempowered for years, until they decide to break it wide open.

In my life and work, I have been very attuned to the ways that people give away their power because they want other people to like them. I work with my clients and students on these issues directly.

If you are trying to understand what I mean by giving away your sexual power, think about whether you’ve had some of these experiences:

  • You want them to WANT to have sex with you, but you don’t really want sex, you just want their wanting.
  • You do something sexually that you know will excite your partner just so that you can get through it, get them off, and move on to the next thing, feeling like you’ve done your due good.
  • You faked an orgasm so your partner could feel good about the experience or so you could pretend you were having fun when you weren’t.
  • You went on a date with someone you weren’t really attracted to because you thought it would look good on the outside…You even married that person.
  • You did something sexually you were asked or told to do, knowing full-well you didn’t want to do it.
  • You pretended to be into certain kinds of sex that you really aren’t into in order to impress your peers or your lovers.
  • You hid your sexual desires that you thought might not be acceptable so that other people would be okay with you.
  • You didn’t ask for what you really want because you thought you’d be judged for it, or that they wouldn’t want to give it to you.
worried woman

I could go on and on. These are examples of the ways in which you give away your power sexually. And what’s underneath all of it is your need to be liked, to get approval and to know that you are “okay”. And the truth is that you will never really believe you are okay as long as you engage in these patterns because they perpetuate that insecurity within you that drives you to do them in the first place.

You will continue to need the reassurance that you are indeed okay from the outside because you just don’t know it internally.

You are probably not even connected enough to you real wants because you’ve been immersed in all of these “fake wants” for so long in your sexual life.

This pattern can show up in many areas of your life besides sex. Consider how many people take their personal insecurities to work and allow their ‘need to be liked’ to rule how they show up in business. Huge mistake! When you end up deeply frustrated because you’ve repressed your professional aspirations in favor of making other people happy, ask yourself what you could have done differently. As an educator, too, I’ve seen this play out with fellow teachers, who end up undermining the value of what they have to offer. It’s not everyone else’s responsibility to make you feel secure. An unhealthy dynamic is created when you place that responsibility on them. Working on your own insecurities and lack of confidence is your internal work to do.

It’s your work to show up in sex feeling clear about your desires and boundaries with the ability to communicate and negotiate them effectively. Of course, when do you learn those skills? Who teaches that to us when we are growing up? Can you imagine the amount of heartache, pain, insecurity and crossed sexual boundaries that would be eliminated if we learned how to do this? I know the world would be a different place.

I’ll be talking more about these ideas and many more in my free class next week “Coming Home to Your Sexual Self When You Might Not Even Know that You Left“. I think you’ll be surprised at the many ways these patterns get in your way so I hope you’ll join me for this very special call so you can take control of these patterns and turn them around. When you do, a much more authentic and fulfilling sexual life awaits you.

A’magine is a pioneer in sexual empowerment and her extensive real-world experience sparkles throughout this book. This is a delightful journey toward better, richer, more fulfilling sex, for women who want more joyful, creative, pleasurable lives.


co-founder of Cuddle Party

Hi, I’m A’magine

I’ve been a Sexual Empowerment Educator
[&] Coach for over 25 years

I’ve helped thousands of people improve their lives, boost their confidence, learn the art of asking for what they want, step into their power, learn to radically love their bodies, show up as emotionally powerful in their relationships, rock-star their mid-life with the best sex ever, and put in perspective and practice the very real and important role sexuality was meant to play in their lives