The Elements of Your Desire

The most common thing I hear from couples who are unhappy sexually involves some kind of discordant desire. In fact, that is the most common therapeutic sexual issue in couples therapy generally, and I have heard it so often that my work would support that statistic. So what’s underneath this discordant desire? Why do so many couples face it? What’s so complicated about desire? Are men and women the same when it comes to desire? Are we even asking the right questions about desire?

In this two-part article on desire, I’ll share what I know and probably will raise more questions about desire. I hope that it will help people to embrace their experiences of desire and feel less difficult judgment about it.

Element of Desire #1: Get comfortable!

We need to peel back the layers of minimizing, playing small, feeling ashamed or guilty about what we want and actually get comfortable with desire first and foremost. Understand that whatever your desire is, if it comes from a healthy place inside of you, that it’s good. Embrace your desire. Love your desire! Understand that your desire is what gets you out of bed every single day.

What kind of desire am I talking about?

Desire to grow.
Desire to be bigger, or do something big.
Desire to develop who you are and how you live.
Desire for MORE: more money, more love, more pleasure, more fulfillment of dreams.
Desire for a different kind of sexual experience — for a different technique, a different relationship style, something outside the heterosexual norm, to experiment with BDSM, etc.
Desire for better sex (whatever that means to you).
Desire for more intimacy.
Desire to change the world.
Desire to change your world.

We have so many healthy desires in us but we are told we shouldn’t want — many religions and other social institutions teach that it is bad to want, and that women especially should be polite, stay quiet, not take up too much space, not ask for too much, and not be demanding or pushy. Declaring desire unapologetically can mean going against the grain, and so the pressure to fit in and “be normal” — or whatever we think “normal” means — is one thing that can cut us off from our own desire.

Element of Desire #2: You always co-create the riches of desire.

Think of the process of making your desires real as co-creation.

I have a desire: it has a form, a shape, a feeling and I can feel it in me in a visceral way. I can sometimes really see it. I saw the house I live in before I found it, right down to the sheer white curtains that blow in the mountain breezes from the back deck.

You have to really feel your desire to make it real. Sometimes you may not know what it looks like. That’s okay. Maybe you know what it feels like in your body. Maybe it has some textures or an emotional tenor. You take what you know and you share it with the universe and the cosmic waitress helps you make it so. It’s co-creation. As long as you are not attached to a certain outcome where you limit yourself, you open yourself to the desire becoming manifest, usually better than you could have imagined.

In partner sex, you are co-creating with your partner. You each have desires. Maybe they are different. Maybe you are committed to helping your partner experience what they desire. So you show up for them for something that isn’t born of your own desire. And most likely, there is a venn diagram of your desire, where there is an intersection you two share. If some of the other things in their desire circle are off the table for you, you can always start with the intersection of desire between each of you.

Sexually, I think many women do not have a clear idea of what they really want. They have a feeling. They know some of the outlines of their sexual desire. They know they want more. But ask them to describe it, and it’s really hard to do. Sometimes seeing how others express their desire is helpful to women. That happens a lot in my women’s program and in my classes. We rarely have an opportunity to hear about the desire of other real people.

Reading erotic fiction or watching porn is sometimes helpful; it can give you concrete ideas. Sometimes you learn more of what you don’t want than what you do! So ask yourself, what do I want to feel right now? What do I want to experience? What could help me have that experience?

Marcia Baczynski did a wonderful call with me with her 7 questions to figure out what you desire for Firestarter. If you want to hear that, get it below! They are a wonderful way to tap into what’s underneath your desire and where it’s living right now.

Next week I’ll talk about gender differences around desire; we have them and I think it’s important to understand the effect they can have.