The most common question I am asked is how I got into doing my work. People tend to find it fascinating, and truly, it is. I know people intimately in a way that few others do. I have very tender conversations with people about their sexuality and their sex lives and their fears in their relationships that few people are privy to. These are the types of conversations that most people label “private.” Indeed that label keeps many people who would otherwise want to reach out to me, or someone who does similar work, from taking that step. They stay alone with the things that plague them about sex.
But underneath the private label is generally some shame and a LOT of questions. Some of the shame comes from not knowing the answer to many of the questions. There is no standard sex education that helps adults have fulfilling, thrilling, satisfying sexual lives. Most of us had sub-par education as young people so we were hardly prepared to be high functioning sexual adults. Thrown into adult sexual relationships with little to no preparation means a world of trial-error-try-again and searching in the dark for answers. How did we ever live without the internet?
Are you feeling lost?
Most adults have some amount of sexual frustration to contend with and few tools with which to address it. It’s the hunger games of adult sex lives. We are thrown into the game without the tools we need, wanting not just to survive, but to thrive and left to fend on our own without guidance, mentors or real support. And most of us are still hungry.
I see myself as an ambassador of sexuality to the masses. I am here to heal some of that shame, to shine light on the dark places in people and to give people professional permission to change the game and live differently. Most of us were never told that and were certainly never shown how to live a vibrant, pleasureful sexual life.
I have colleagues who like to speak to people who already understand where they are coming from. They like a room full of like-minded people. Nothing wrong with that—we need tantrikas and experienced folks to create communities of people who want a particular sexual experience. I want to speak to the ones who haven’t heard my message, who need it desperately, who might have an opportunity to change everything in their lives by taking one big step towards a very different kind of living. That’s what gets me passionate. I like to share and discuss new ideas—and with sexuality, there is always something new because every person has such a unique sexuality and sexual life. I always learn something new from the people who take my classes, come to see me speak, and from my private clients. And no, it never gets old.
Sometimes a self-aware person in a social setting who is quizzing me about my work will apologize, and say something like, “Oh I’m sorry, this is work. You’re not on the clock.” But I don’t mind talking about it. I am always a social scientist—on and off the clock, looking to learn more about what makes people tick, what challenges them and how to better help them. It doesn’t mean I’m going to coach people at social gatherings, but I will listen and engage ideas about sexuality.
What will open for you?
Because I really believe this is where we are going as a culture: a place where real dialogue about our authentic experiences and the deeply personal facets of sexuality are welcomed and valued. In the cultural explosions of the 20th and 21st century we’ve witnessed some massive steps forward in being able to talk more openly about sexuality, orientation, gender and identity. Many of conversations that are happening now were impossible several decades ago. Make no mistake, we still have a long way to go, and I am committed to pushing the boundaries. But I ultimately believe that people want more of that openness and that that’s where we are headed as a culture. People want to be free to live the lives they want. It’s up to us to critique the fear-mongering, to speak the unspeakable and to practice courage in a culture of shame. And as technology continues its exponential progress, and our culture continues to evolve ways we can’t yet anticipate, it’s up to us to swing the pendulum back to a place of real human connection, human touch and human sexual vulnerability.
Sexuality is at the core of our humanity. It’s at the core of what makes us feel deeply and connect with our world. It is what brings us transcendent joy and helps us to be not just of this world but connected to the other worlds that are intricately part of ours. It brings us into ourselves and out of ourselves simultaneously. Expertly. What magic!
So if we can only get out of our way, and allow the new messages of sexuality and sexual growth to rise above the constant murmur of busy doing, I-don’t-have-time-ing, deprivation and frustration that occupies our psyches and our modern world, our world would be changed. It would be one that blends the poetry of being utterly human with the technology that allows us to expand our abilities and perceptions—making us absolutely on our way to true self-actualization, as individuals, couples and cultures.
I will be that sexuality ambassador until the world doesn’t need one anymore.
