How many times do you put off your own growth, self-development work, fun, pleasure or education because of some made-up reason that really just slows you down and keeps you from having what you want, for no good reason?
With sexuality, many people have a chronic problem with putting it on hold because, well, “I’d work on it if only I had the time,” or “I’d be able to get my needs met, if only I had the right lover,” or “I’d indulge in something I want (a new toy, a weekend workshop, a pamper day) if only I had the money.” Or “I’d have more fun sexually if only I were younger/prettier/didn’t have kids,” etc.
You disempower yourself and you prevent yourself from having what you really want with your “if onlys”. “If only” is a clue you are making an excuse. How often do you find yourself thinking or saying, “I’d do it, if only…”?
I want to suggest that you get that little phrase out of your vocabulary.
You might be thinking, well, I can do that for some things but not for others. I hear people make lots of excuses about why they don’t work on their sexuality and sexual relationships. They call me and claim they want to work on themselves, and then come the litany of reasons why they just can’t. At that point, I suggest they think about it and when they’re ready to make the commitment, contact me again.
I’m most interested in and satisfied by working with people who are committed to living more sexually fulfilled lives. People who want deeper levels of intimacy and more aligned, satisfying relationships. You want to know why I work with these people? Because when you’re committed to something, really committed, you drop the excuses and you do whatever it takes. That’s what makes it a commitment. And that makes what I do far more satisfying, than someone with one foot in and one foot out.
If you find yourself going back and forth in your mind about something and lots of excuses keep coming up, you might be interested and in a place of contemplating it, but you have not yet made a decision to do it and there is no commitment.
Sometimes people even do relationships that way, even the ones they call “committed”.
They have made a false commitment to someone because they are still waffling with excuses and “if onlys” about the relationship. Pay attention if you hear yourself saying things like: “Well, he’s a great guy. The relationship would be awesome if only he were a better lover, or if only he wanted kids…” or “Our sex life is good but not great. I get other things from her, so maybe this just isn’t the thing we will have”, or “We have good sex, but I want more emotional depth. If only he could provide that, I’d be totally fulfilled.”
Many people settle in relationships, and then feel bad for settling. So to compensate for that and convince themselves they made a sound choice, they make excuses for their mate, or for why they are with them.
Does this sound familiar? I’ve certainly done it. So begin to notice where you are making excuses, holding back your own true desires with “if only’s”. What can you begin to let go of and cut out? How much happier would you be if you let it go, and stopped making excuses for why you don’t do or can’t have something?
It’s not bad to want something bigger for your sexuality. You are meant to expand sexually. If you are constricting rather than expanding, look at the reasons why and make a commitment to change them. The way to change your life is to take decisive action, commit and move.
What can you take action on right now in order to create movement in your life? What “if onlys” will you let go of this week?