People have many myths and misunderstandings about sexuality. In my work one of the biggest myths I’ve heard about sex is that it should just “be spontaneous”. That it “should just happen” when it fact, planning makes sex hot.
Somehow the idea that sex shouldn’t require effort has seeped into our psyches. That idea prevents us from taking the time or energy to make it hotter, better and more fulfilling.
Some of the best sex I have ever had was planned. Whether it meant just setting aside time with my lover to devote to it so we could be present and not feel like we were squeezing it in between other things. Or whether it was an elaborate, creative date that required a few errands. A few emails to entice one another or some other form of organization, in either case, a plan was required. In fact, for a creative date, sex has begun when the scheming begins and for me, that’s half the fun!
The resistance to planning sex
I’m often surprised by how resistant my clients and students are to this idea. I’ve noticed people sometimes get a little sad or disappointed that this is what their sex life will require if they want it to be or stay juicy. The reality is that our lives are busy and we fill up our time with things easily. So if we don’t schedule time for sex. Or put a little effort into maintaining sexual connection with a lover, it just won’t happen. We will easily find other things to fill our time with.
I don’t work out if I don’t schedule it. I am not as productive with my work if I don’t schedule my tasks and work time. And I don’t go see shows or have dates with friends without some scheduling, so scheduling is not the issue. Most things require some scheduling in order for them to happen. Here at team A’magine we are devoted to keeping sexuality a priority. In fact, we remind each other to make time in our busy schedules for the adventures, flirtations and sexy dates that nourish us.
I also like to apply the principle of planning to the bigger picture of my sexual landscape. Every year I make a list of the 10 new sexual firsts I want to experience. Sometimes this surprises people. They think that having earned a Masters degree in sexuality and knowing as much about it as I do, I’d have run through the list of firsts long ago. On the contrary, the more I learn about sexuality the more possibilities I see for expansion!
Explore your resistance to planning sex
If the idea of scheduling a date with your lover feels mechanical or unsexy, ask yourself why. The issue is more of an internal want for sex to magically happen. And the idea that spontaneity is the key ingredient that will make it hot. Spontaneity can make it hot… But too often, we mistake the urgency and heightened sexual awareness of a new relationship for actual spontaneity. How many times did you put on some sexy undergarment or pack a sexy toy when you had a date in hopes it would involve sex? Think about how you might have flirted over dinner or even with a new acquaintance at a bar or social event in hopes of it leading to something sexual. We instill or create our sexy plans in many ways. Nothing wrong with that; in fact, it’s sexy. It’s you taking the reins with your sexuality, getting your sexual needs met and expressing what you want.
How to plan your hottest sex ever
As for designing a hot sexual year, what desires you are aware that you have right now? What fantasies would be exciting to explore? Whom do you want to invite along for the ride? Who do you most want to connect with erotically this year? What new skills are you ready to learn? What workshops, conferences or sexuality events do you want to attend? What new props, costumes, or toys are you most interested in trying out? The sexual development you crave this year will not happen without a clear vision on your part, plus the decision to allocate the resources you need to make it happen. And once you’re clear on the desire + decision, it’s not that hard to take the next step—whether it’s setting aside the time to have a yummy indulgent date with your lover, putting aside the cash to buy a new toy, or making the arrangements to go to a workshop or class and learn new sexual skills.
Your Sexual Empowerment Assignments
(should you choose to accept…)
- Is there someone in your life whom you’d like to deepen your erotic connection with in the near future? If so, write them an email, a text, or even better, a little note you drop in the mail, and proposition them. Send them an invitation. Tell them what you’d like to do to or with them and invite them! Or if you want to keep it more mysterious, invite them for a sexy date with you and say no more about it, except to give them three things you want them to do, bring or wear in preparation for the date. Your invitation will get their creative juices flowing as well as your own. Sexy, hot fun has begun already!
- And if you want to have some sexy hot fun with yourself, all of this applies to you too. Invite yourself to a sexy date, and get a new outfit for yourself. Give yourself a delicious bath, take yourself to buy a new sex toy, stay in and use what you got, watch that new porn you just got…anything goes. Enjoy dressing up and being hot for YOU. No matter what, it starts there anyway. And if you are sharing your hotness with a lover, everyone wins.
