Divorce is a developmental stage of adulthood. Every adult who is in partnership will, at some point lose a partner to divorce or death and will have to find their way again. The question is: What will we create out of the rubble? What magic will open up? How will we direct our lives? Will sex after divorce become a possibility?
Where people find themselves in their sex life after divorce
So many women have come to my door wanting support as they face themselves in the space after losing a long-term relationship, sometimes after losing themselves in their marriage and now they are excited to find out what THEY want without all of that, and maybe a little scared.
They are ready to experience something new, something powerful, to learn how to stand on their own two feet.
They might not recall how to date or flirt because it’s been so long. Sex after divorce seems impossible.
They might have some infidelity they are healing from.
They are facing parts of themselves that went underground while they were pair-bonding, and those are the very things that will help them break through and recreate their lives.
I see women in this phase of life pregnant with possibility for what their life can be. There can be sadness for the loss, but there is that “new lease on life” that can feel so exciting. Who they are now is very different than when that relationship began.
The wisdom they have gained has them approaching dating and reconnecting to their own desires and sexuality in a different way. They put aside many of their desires in order to be in the relationship they were in.
Now they get to have those desires.
And that can feel overwhelming in and of itself. To have desire. To express it and to go for they want.
My divorce experience
I went through a painful divorce on the eve of my 40th birthday and as hard as it was, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Suddenly, the things I had wanted and had put aside were back on the table. I could live where I wanted and how I wanted. Turned out, I was ready to get out of New York City. I’d been there nearly 20 years and I was ready for change. I wanted to build my business and to date and have hot sex. To get the energy back that I’d been giving to save a sinking ship.
And I did it all. I truly expanded exponentially in every area of my life. So I could do my business full-time, I quit my academic jobs. I moved to Napa to live in the mountains (a far cry from Brooklyn), and I bought the car of my dreams. I started making more money then I’d ever made. And yes, I was having great sex with the lovers I wanted to be with.
The possibilities after divorce
Because the truth is that we could drown in our grief and the pity party can go on for a long time. (I cried for about a year.) But at some point, we have to pick ourselves up and take life by the reigns and ride.
If you are in this place or have been, you know what I’m talking about. It’s tender, exciting. and scary. It’s real and it’s time. Time to figure out what you really want. And that is delicious.
