Over the last month I’ve been very sick—sicker than I have ever been in my life.
I’ve had every test under the sun to figure out what is wrong and everything kept coming out normal, which on one hand was good news but on the other hand left questions with no answers.
Why was I so sick?
I’ve spent every night waking up with terrible night sweats. Clearly my body was fighting something hefty.
I have not been able to do much at all. I have been tremendously fatigued and of course fatigue is a symptom of nearly every malady. As someone who tends to accomplish a lot in life and stays fairly busy, that felt frustrating.
There was really nothing else I could do but surrender.
So surrender I did.
I trusted that my body needed time to work out whatever was happening and of course I had many frustrating moments feeling weak, tired, and unable to do the things I normally can do.
All I could do was take time to rest and allow my body the space to heal.
Many fears came up about what this could be or how serious it was. It was scary.
And I think about the many people who live with illness and disabilities every day and live full beautiful lives. It’s easy to take my physical health and ability for granted.
I was reminded of how very precious life is, how tender our bodies are, and how health truly is the number one priority.
All of those days I spent passing between my bed and the couch, I thought about the many things I still haven’t done that I want to do. I thought about the accomplishments that, were I to leave now, would be left undone.
It was painful to think about how many half-done things were in my life. And that had me asking more questions of myself about why.
The truth is that I’ve been coasting a bit. I have had some ambivalences. I haven’t been giving 100%. And I’ve been in an inquiry about that, and about what it would mean if I did give it all my all.
I took time to take stock of these things and to get very clear on my priorities. I took time to look at my relationships and who I keep close to me, and whether I have been prioritizing the people I really want to prioritize.
It was a great gift to do this inventory, to take time to be quiet with my body in my home, not going out to engage in the world, and instead, organizing what is happening inside of me, what is important to me, and how I want my life to reflect it.
As unproductive as I felt, these last few weeks have been some of the most productive weeks of my life. They allowed me to get clear about what it is I am living for and about the fact that I really do want to live and thrive and give and love. And I want to do it at 100%.
That that is why we are here. The core truth is simple when we boil it all down. There are so many inconsequential, unnecessary things that are a waste of our energy.
Then the other night I received some jarring news.
One of my dear friends from New York from years ago passed away.
Mildred Gerestant, aka Drag King Dred, was my age and we shared the stage many many times in our performing careers in 1990s New York. We spent a good deal of time connecting with each other on a personal level, traveling and once did an artist’s retreat together.
I knew her to be someone who was full of love, positivity, many gifts, and a tremendous amount of talent. I was lucky to know her and she was such a bright light that it seems impossible that she could have died.
She was still so young…
We are all mortal and we will all die.
Not one more day is guaranteed to any of us and nothing is owed to us. It’s a hard lesson to learn and it’s one that really only seems to come when we are at risk of losing everything. The moments when I have lost dear ones, especially those who are my peers, have been wake up calls to life.
My friend died and that could have just as easily been me. It doesn’t make sense and it never will. She’s gone. And I didn’t get to say goodbye or tell her how much she impacted my life.
I wonder, did she do all of the things she really wanted to do? Was she ready to go? Did she feel complete? Will life ever feel complete?
We were not in touch in recent years so I don’t know. This was her time to go to the next world.
Then today in the news I saw that actor Godfrey Gao suddenly collapsed and died. So did celebrity chef Gary Rhodes. They are all of us. They remind us of the power and fragility of life and how much each moment matters.
So as I sit here taking an intense round of antibiotics hoping they will heal whatever is plaguing my body, I am ever grateful for my life, for my body, for my health, for the love I have, and for the beautiful life I get to live.
I have no time for anything that is anti-life or anti-love.
What really matters is love, health, freedom, creativity and the respect of all life-force.
The things that are undone in my life from the small annoyances that cause me any amount of wasted energy on a day-to-day basis, to relationships that suck my energy, I get to address now.
Life is too short to waste arguing, proving yourself, being cruel to yourself or others, wishing people who can’t give you the love you want would, not pursuing your own joy, pleasure, creativity, and the fullest expression of your life force.
What a ride this life is. We have no time to waste. We are entitled to nothing.
Everything we have is right here in this moment.
As we come towards the end of the year, I invite you to take stock with me using these questions:
What is un-done in your life right now that needs your attention?
What have you been wanting to do that you have not given yourself permission to do?
What have you been putting off that you are ready for?
What do you want to experience that you would be really sad if you didn’t?
What are you unwilling to miss out on this lifetime?
The time is now. Because now is all you really have.
Make some decisions today about the things and people you won’t waste one more moment putting off.
Then take some action.
I’ll be right here doing this with you.
If you have been wanting to develop your sexuality, to get some guidance and clarity about it, to inhabit your body more fully, or to bring your sexual life to the front burner, there are two opportunities I’m offering as we roll into the new year.
If you are ready to address your sexuality as the important, vibrant part of your life it is, or you want to feel less alone and more seen where you are, or if you want to take stock of your sexual life, this is for you. You can read more below.
I am grateful for my life and I’m grateful that we are sharing this moment.
Thanks for reading.
To life,
A’magine
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Your Best Sexual Year Yet (New Year’s Ritual & Workshop 2020)
Join me on my 10th Annual new year’s ritual with new and improved exercises to set the course for your sexual year.
Bringing Sexy Back
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Your Sexual Homecoming
Only a few spots left for this 3-day Sexuality, Gender & Shadow Work Deep Dive Retreat with A’magine & Karin Green.
