Victimhood vs. Responsibility

by | Jan 19, 2022 | Pleasure & Desire, Sexual Empowerment, Sexual Politics & Culture

I was interviewed a few weeks ago by a reporter who wanted to talk about 50 Shades of Grey and just why exactly so many women harbor the desire to be sexually submissive. This question of submission and agency has been debated over and over by sexuality theorists, professionals and kinksters and continues to be controversial.

A woman who chooses a submissive role in BDSM play might do things (or have things done to her) that look degrading, painful, scary, or like she’s being victimized. But the backstage reality of BDSM scenes (which is NOT accurately depicted in books like 50 Shades) involves communication, self-knowledge, boundaries and taking responsibility for oneself and one’s pleasure: all skills that we are not born knowing but have to learn to master and take responsibility for.

Compare that to the sexual realities of many women who never learn to talk about what they TRULY want. Who have no idea how to say what they really feel and want in bed, besides “Yes, honey, that feels great”. Who hold back from going after the partner of their dreams because they lack the confidence in their own hotness. Who stay stuck in relationships that don’t serve them, sex that doesn’t entice them, work that doesn’t excite them.

Which one is victimhood? Which one is responsibility? It comes down to the ways we are programmed to see ourselves in our lives–as agents, taking responsibility for and creating our lives, or as victims. This is where true empowered sexuality takes root or victimhood will grip us like a vice.

It’s not an issue of whether or not you like kinky sex… it’s an issue of how you show up for yourself in your own life, how you create your own life every single day and what you believe you can really have. You can have what you want. You might also have to give something up to do so. That doesn’t make you a victim, it makes you a mature adult who knows that change is natural and that everything is in a process of transmutation.

Are you programmed not to take responsibility for yourself? Are you programmed to believe that life happens to you, things happen to you that are beyond your control? Or are you programmed to believe that you can create your life? This is very important. If the thought doesn’t set you free, it’s not true, so you’ve got to begin asking yourself about real truth. If your thoughts have you feeling imprisoned, stuck, angry, unhappy…they are not true thoughts. You must question them with vigilance.

You must accept responsibility for your life. Not just some of the time or when it’s convenient or when it feels good to do so. ALL of the time. It feels really good to do this fully, to step away from blame, finger-pointing and feeling victimized and betrayed, into “I own my life. I am in the driver’s seat and if I don’t like the road, I can turn onto a different one. I don’t need to be upset with anyone about that…I just need to make the decision and carry it out.”

I want to leave you with this wonderful “Note From the Universe”, a series of daily messages you can sign up to have sent to your inbox every day. This recent one is particularly apropos.

The Top 10 things about time and space that most people seem to forget…

10. You chose to be here and you knew what you were doing.
9. There are no “tests” and you’re not being judged.
8. Everyone’s doing their best with what they know.
7. You already have whatever you’re looking for.
6. You are of the Divine, pure God, and so is everyone else.
5. Religion needs spirituality; spirituality does not need religion.
4. You’re naturally inclined to succeed – at everything you do.
3. You happen to life, life does not happen to you.
2. Order, healing, and love belie every moment of chaos, pain, and fear.
1. Following your heart is the best way to help others.

The truth shall set you free,
The Universe*

*Retrieved from on November 12, 2012.

In what ways are you taking responsibility for your life this week? Let me know in the comments. 

A’magine is a pioneer in sexual empowerment and her extensive real-world experience sparkles throughout this book. This is a delightful journey toward better, richer, more fulfilling sex, for women who want more joyful, creative, pleasurable lives.


co-founder of Cuddle Party

Hi, I’m A’magine

I’ve been a Sexual Empowerment Educator
[&] Coach for over 25 years

I’ve helped thousands of people improve their lives, boost their confidence, learn the art of asking for what they want, step into their power, learn to radically love their bodies, show up as emotionally powerful in their relationships, rock-star their mid-life with the best sex ever, and put in perspective and practice the very real and important role sexuality was meant to play in their lives