“My sexuality has never been about me…it was always a performance for someone else.”
“I didn’t know I had a sexuality to DO anything with!”
“I did what he wanted to do sexually and pretended to like it so he would stay with me.”
“I’ve never enjoyed sex.”
Those are just a few things I heard from women at a recent retreat where I was teaching sexuality. These are common ideas women have about sex: the belief that it has nothing (really) to do with them, beyond being a tool to get the love, attention, relationship or other resources they want, and if they choose to do what THEY want, they will lose.
It’s a harrowing way to see something as tender, vulnerable and important as sexuality.
It’s also a set up for missing out on a whole lot of joy, pleasure and love.
Women too often take a back seat in sex, not realizing they can negotiate their own needs and desires, thinking it’s not okay for them to actually initiate sex, and at the root, not experiencing their body as their own.
This comes from a real place. We are socialized to follow the sexuality of men, to do what they want (in general and especially in sex), to take care of everyone but ourselves and to forsake our own needs in order to be liked/accepted/desired.
This equation doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for our own desires and it sure doesn’t teach us how to connect with them so that we might actually ask for something and get it.
Add to this how many of us have experienced trauma in our bodies and as a result, become disconnected from our bodies and therefore, our bodily experience and you get a lot of people who are checked out in sex, and not really living in our bodies.
This bodily disconnection actually becomes quite risky because when we can’t actually feel what we want or don’t know how to tell what is right for us and what isn’t, we end up doing all kinds of things we don’t want to do, setting ourselves up for more traumatic events.
We surely won’t have the intimacy we want because we simply are not home to have it.
It’s not powerful to follow everyone else and to forsake our own needs, desires, and limits in order to please others.
It’s not powerful to constantly give of ourselves at the expense of our own happiness, never leaving enough energy, time or space for what we really want.
It’s not powerful to “yes” everyone else because you are not self-aware enough to even know what you might want.
And if you don’t know what you want, that is a beginning to figuring out what you DO want. Contrast helps us see things we would not otherwise see.
If you didn’t have the dark, you wouldn’t notice the light.
Identifying what you don’t want helps you see what you do want. It’s a doorway to more perspective and inner truth.
And that is what we are talking about. Showing up from an inner guidance and truth that comes from an honest place inside and operating from a place of true integrity.
From true integrity, you get to have so many sexual experiences that many people have not experienced:
- Asking for and getting what you really want
- Owning your own power
- Taking responsibility for your own pleasure and bodily experience
- Experiencing pleasure and orgasm on a regular basis in your sex life
- Ending regretted sexual experiences and guilt about sex
- Opening yourself up to more intimacy and connection
- An authentic sex life that is for YOU, not someone else
- Honoring the wants and limits of your partner and knowing what they are
That is a very different experience than the women at the retreat were having.
We get to change this, own our personal power and have better sex now. It requires presence, self-awareness, tools for understanding the signals our body is giving us, listening to our own boundaries, and setting ourselves up for success when in partnership/lovership. We get to feel connected, first in our own bodies, psyches and spirits, and then to other humans who want to feel connected and loved too.
I have a couple of opportunities coming up that is designed to help you bridge that gap between sex and personal power.
Fire Woman Retreat 2020 is my 4th year hosting this amazing 3-day retreat where women and non-binary people will heal, explore and celebrate their sexuality through rituals, workshops and community. This year we are in Phoenicia, New York on May 1-3. Register now and save $200!
On March 4 & 5, I am hosting my free webinar, “Finding Your Sexual Voice”. A 90-minute webinar about how to discover your authentic desires and express it to the outer world. Spots are limited so sign up now!